WHY?
When I was five, I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, which is just a fancy word for a very sick colon. I lived in the hospital a lot, and was put on almost every drug imaginable. I ended up with three surgeries along with a bunch of other really scary procedures. You can read the whole story here. Then my family was involved in a van accident in 2008 and I lost part of my hand. And in 2010, my baby brother went to heaven. As I got older, the one word that always stuck in my head was "why". I think most people ask this question, when they're going through something they don't understand. I still don't understand it all completely, but I do know that God has complete control over my life. I want everything that happens in my life to bring glory and honor to God. And for others to see Him in me. This is a little bit of what my mom wrote a few years ago, “For me, it’s important to remember that God has a level of maturity that He desires to bring all of us to in this. Trusting Him has to be more than agreeing with the nod of the head; it has to be lived out in our daily lives—in His experience—and Christ must be glorified in it all.” God's word doesn't specifically give me an answer for "why you were in a car accident", but it does explain some of the reasons trials are put into our lives. 1 Peter 1:7, “That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: James 1:2, “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. 1 Peter 4:11b, “…that God in all things may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom be praise and dominion for ever and ever. Psalm 119:67, “Before I was afflicted I went astray: but now have I kept thy word.” Psalm 119:71, “ It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes" TRUST I have been reading a book for my devotions and one of the chapters is on trust. The author defines trust as “firm confidence in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something; placing reliance on something else over which one has little control." One of the most familiar verses on trust in the Bible is Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." It’s so easy to rely on my own understanding, especially when life seem like it's up-side-down. Like doing only what I think is best or what I think is right, instead of trusting God that He is in control. Faith and trust go hand-in-hand in the Bible. Faith is taking God at His word; that what He says is true. Trust is simply faith in God. I don’t have to look at life through the world’s eyes, which says, “take life as it happens” or, “Oh well”, but instead as a Christian, I can put my trust in Someone who has complete control in everything going on in my life. When I was little, dad would stand at the bottom of the basement stairs while I would be on the third step. Dad would tell me to jump into his arms and he would catch me. I put trust in my dad when I jumped and I had faith that he would catch me because he said so. Isaiah 26:4: Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength: Psalm 71:5, “For thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust from my youth.” PROMISES Night time is probably the hardest time for most people. It’s when we lie awake thinking about things that happened that day, or dwelling on things that might happen in the future. There was one night at 2 am, that I felt completely helpless, like there was no one in the whole world that could help me. I felt all alone. I had had an allergic reaction to something and it had gotten really bad. I finally just cried to God, because there was nothing else that I could do to fix the situation myself. It later reminded me that God keeps his promises and He is always there, even at 2 in the morning when I feel all by myself in the dark. Psalm 139:7-12 “Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me." Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee. ETERNITY 1 Corinthians 4:16-18 “For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. Mom introduced me to these verses recently and they have been my go-to verses for the past couple of weeks. I tend to look at all of the things in my life like, money for college, summer plans, a job, my sometimes annoying siblings, a really really bad day, finishing school on time, or constantly getting yelled at. (Ok, so not constantly, but sometimes it may seem like that :) I look at these as big and impossible, because in my flesh they are, but in light of eternity and all the awesome things that God has planned, they don’t even compare. It’s like drawing a long line, which is eternity and placing a dot above it, which is my life. It puts it in perspective….I shouldn't get mad at the bad things in my life when they don’t even matter in the end. I’m not saying my problems magically disappear and life is perfect, but when my heart attitude changes, and I focus on “Who” not "Why me”, I don’t have to dwell on myself, but instead on the greater picture which is Christ. Autumn
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My sister, couple of friends, and I started a blog called Not I But Christ. Hop on over if you haven't already seen it!
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. - Hebrews 6:19 "MOM, I have a grape in my shoe!" These words are the exact quote from one of my daughters. It was a Sunday morning, and the baby was only 1 week old when these desperate words rang from my teen daughter's mouth. She was frantically trying to get out of the house to make church in time. As she reached to get her shoes out of the hall closet, and put her foot in her shoe, there was THE GRAPE!! In her shoe! How did a GRAPE get in her shoe? I don't know, yet I think it perfectly epitomizes my life these last 10 weeks since our new bundle came into our home. This baby is not one of those happy camper babies that you see cooing on television. No, this is an incredibly needy bundle of joy, who needs to be cuddled and held more than the my other babies ever did. Now, my heart on the other hand, has been struggling. I am going to be honest. We live a normal non perfect-non-Pinterest sort of life. How can a person have it all together with TEN KIDS?? Yet, I've been asked, how do you keep it all together? You must be super mom! If they only knew! I'm not! I'm a postpartum mom with 10 children who has felt like she was going crazy these last 10 weeks. Postpartum depression? And YES, the children help, but the reality is that breakfast, lunch, and supper continue; washing 10,000 dirty dishes by hand because the dishwasher broke continues; the noise of piano practice for 4 children continues; Soccer practice continues; church demand continues; homeschooling 7 children with 2 babies in tow and one who cries if she's not being held continues...
So....through all this chaos in my life, I have been drowning. Many times my tears have flown freely. After each of the deliveries of my children, I went through the typical “baby blues”. I had never experienced what I have struggled with now. Honestly, I was barely treading water. Some people call it Postpartum depression. There are probably people who disagree with that term, but I will affirm that there is indeed such a thing, even as a Christian... I had a ton of tears for reasons I could not explain. My feelings struggled with KNOWING the truth that God was in control and KNOWING that God had given me a beautiful family, yet I had this overwhelming sadness that I could not shake. I know it was physical, probably a hormonal and vitamin issue. I had a hole. A need... that longed to be filled up. I had tried filling it. My husband sent me away on a mini retreat to my moms several weeks ago to find my Anchor, my Rock to turn to when my world feels turned upside down. I was able to spend a couple days doing just that. I needed that break... My greatest joy is the willingness of my girls to pitch in while I took a break. Carissa negotiated the laundry chore in exchange for no other extra chores. Autumn and Melody ran the meals, clean up and still kept up in school while I was gone. On one particular day as I was visiting my mom, I had the morning alone. This passage of scripture soothed my troubled and overwhelmed soul that day. "Wherein God, willing more abundantly to shew unto the heirs of promise the immutability of his counsel, confirmed it by an oath: that by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us: which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which entereth into that within the veil; whither the forerunner is for us entered, even Jesus, made an high priest for ever after the order of Melchisedec. When I feel like the storms of life are raging and I can no longer hold on, I have to remind myself God holds me firm and secure. I will not waver when I am anchored to the hope only God can provide. In this season of my life, (I have to remind myself that this IS a season) He is teaching me about His sovereign nature. Trusting in Him answers the question, "Does He have complete control over my life — or better yet — do I want Him to? The Scripture says God "guaranteed this promise with an oath. The promise and the oath are meant to give us confidence that we will inherit all that He promises us in Jesus. Verse 18 provides that encouragement ---hold fast to the hope set before us. By faith in Christ, I hold fast to my hope of something greater. God's promise and His oath are the assurance I need to know that my future is firmly planted in His hand. As verse 19 points out, this hope is an anchor for my soul. God did not exert himself with promises, and oaths, and the blood of his Son simply to anchor down one end of my security while leaving the other to dangle in the air. I need to reach out and take hold of Christ, and hold him fast with all my might. So I am holding on tight! I know now it is and was physical, but I need the spiritual to have what I call my anchor. Two anchors in my life have stabilized me in this turbulence...My God and my husband. This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:21-23 KJV) "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.." Psalm 42:5 So I'm still in the storm, my world is still incredibly busy and I am still very emotional at times...yet my Anchor is steady and sure in Christ. God has revealed a lot of selfishness in me lately. He's taught me that I am full of myself. It's all about me. It's all about my needs, my sleep, my feelings, my worries, my doubts, my fears, my lonesomeness... For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 KJV) I am learning that this is a season...call it what you think, but I will call it postpartum depression. This light affliction IS for the moment...compared to the Eternal Weight of Glory! "God, show me God" is my heart cry. David said in Ps 29:11 KJV "The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace." That's what I need. Peace and strength. I've been looking in all the wrong places... My children, a clean house, my husband, church work... But truly, I'm learning that by beholding God's glory, I behold God. Is 48:10-11 KJV: Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. For mine own sake, even for mine own sake, will I do it: for how should my name be polluted? and I will not give my glory unto another. Can a christian have postpartum depression and still be a Christian? Yes, because it is physical. Get the physical help thorough a trusted Christian doctor to find the hormonal and vitamins lacking while still clinging to Christ...He is where the security and hope (confident expectation) comes and we can anchor there and stay steadfast. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. - Hebrews 6:1 When I say Big Fat Post, I do mean it even though I really should be either folding the numerous piles of laundry, writing that research paper, studying for my geometry test tomorrow, or all three. But I keep procrastinating. Because technically, the research paper isn't due for three weeks, the five loads to fold will be folded eventually (probably tomorrow...maybe), and I don't really need to study for my geometry test. Though I probably should. So, moving on. As a humongously large answer to prayer, we finally got our bunk beds!!!!!!!! God gave us the money to purchase the beds through 2 anonymous givers! Ever since Amarisa was born, we three oldest girls have been sleeping on mattresses on the tile floor. Which wasn't really that bad, except for the combined facts that a) we live in a basement, b) its cold outside, c) we live in the country. This means that bugs really, really, really like our house. And when you're on the floor, they like your bed. My sisters and I have a lot of stories about these bugs. One night, around 10:30, 11:00ish, I felt this something on my leg. I really didn't think about it until it started moving. I really don't mind bugs. Actually I'm more the person who, instead of killing the poor things, I take them outside. (And let them freeze to death, but that's beside the point.) But when there is a very large cricket crawling up your leg in the dark of night, I don't like them. Also there is (Did I say is? I meant was.) this spider above my desk that must be learning how to fly or something because it keeps dropping from the ceiling. The first time, it fell on my head, but I didn't catch it fast enough to squash him. The second time, I found him and killed him. ;) Melody said I screamed, but I don't scream. I just said loudly that I was almost 100% positive about a bug that was crawling on me. And then of course we had to take a picture of it to prove to all our friends that it actually happened. We like to take pictures of bugs and show them to everyone. But enough about bugs! Our bunk beds came on Wednesday, and Dad put them together on Thursday. After we finished putting the beds together, we wanted to decorate a little without spending any money at all. So my mom found out how to add chevron stripes to our already existing dressers. After we did all that, we went to Hobby Lobby to see if we could find anything on sale that fit our budget. Not that we actually had a budget or anything:). After searching the entire store for over two hours, we had only found one thing that all four of us agreed on: a gray, chevron, cute little owl with red eyes. We also saw something else there. It was a big sign made of wood that had a heart and the word love stenciled on it. Autumn really liked it, but I didn't and it cost like, $100!! There was a 50% off discount, but still, that's a lot of money. So, we left without it. We just so happened to have a pallet in the back yard my mom had saved and we used our amazing brains and went to work. ;) After all that hard work, we found out why those things cost so much money:). Anyway, that's all for now! Oh wait, I found a picture of Amarisa. Last one:) CarissaFaith:)
From conception to Birth Introducing: Amarisa Hope De Leon, our newest edition to the De Leon clan. Every child is a miracle from God, but this precious little one is a miracle to us. This precious one was a surprise. With my husband being on certain medications, we knew it was unwise to conceive. Yet, on January 12, 2014 I found out that I was expecting another baby. Although this little one was a surprise to us, she definitely was not to God. I was excited, afraid, overwhelmed, and not sure what the Lord was doing. I wrote out my feelings in my diary. January 19, 2014 Dear unborn little one, It's been one week since I found out I was expecting you. I wanted to share you with someone so I told daddy (of course) and your oldest sister... She was thrilled. I was at Walmart. You know those bins in the isles that sell little odds and end? Well, Walmart was selling dye free liquid Benydryl in those bins for 88 cents. I put one in my cart... It was a great deal. My eyes fell on the little pregnancy test in the bin. Now, I had no idea you were starting to grow in my tummy. I bought that little test, but I really had no idea why. After returning home and putting everything away, I took that test... I'm still in awe. The little line showed up that you were here. You see little one, I am 41. You are my 11th child. Many people might frown on me being pregnant. No one will say it out loud, but I'm sure they will think it. Not because of you dear child, but out of concern for my health. I get that too. This is Sunday January 19th. I heard that today is unborn awareness month. Well, I am very aware of you. I'm thankful for you. I want you to know that you ARE wanted and I'm already in love with you. But most of all God is aware of you. “For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.-Psalms 139- KJV God already knows what you look like and how you will be formed. This a great comfort to this tired mama, because i know no matter what God made you special and unique…no one else is like you. “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” The older I get, the more aware I am of the miracle of conception and birth. How much has to work perfectly to form a created being that nine months from now will enter this world. You were conceived out of two people who love each other very much and a mommy who happens to be very fertile. It's to early to know if God lets me keep you near my heart or if He want you close to His. Either way, you are loved. Mommy There are more little letters written to our little miracle baby. Maybe I'll share those some day. My last baby was born via c-section because she was a breech baby that refused to turn. As much as possible, this baby I wanted to have naturally. After discussing my pregnancy with the OBGYN that delivered my other 5 babies, I realized that I had to find a new doctor and hospital...one that would allow me to try a V-bac. My doctor would have loved to deliver this little one, but the local hospital is not insured for a V-BAC. Through much searching I found 4 CNM's that practice at Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center that would allow me to try a V-BAC. That brings us to our Blessing Day! On September 5th I was not feeling well. I thought I had a touch of the flu. After 9 pregnancies, one would think that by now I would know the signs of labor, but no...I thought I was sick. By noon, I had made myself very familiar with our green bathroom. I started having contractions every 30 min sometimes 15, and 10. They did not really hurt, I still thought I was just tired and did not even think that this was THE DAY. By 3:30pm, I realized that I had better call my husband because maybe this was THE DAY and he should have a heads up. :) I emailed by babysitter to alert her of the possibility of us going to the hospital. We had decided months ago that I was going to allow my three older girls to watch the birth. I told them they were to be seen and NOT heard. They were already packed and ready to go. I started gathering my things together still not really believing this was "for real". All the sudden at 4:00pm, labor really started with contractions 5-7 min apart...but not hurting much. We left for the hospital at 5:00. By the time all 5 of us got in the car and started the 90 minute drive to Columbus, the contractions were harder and 2-3 min apart so Michael was going 90mph at some points. The cool thing is someone took our car to fix it and we had their car. IT WAS A NICE CAR!!! BUT Michael did NOT want to have this baby in their car. :) He was remembering the time our number 6 baby WAS born in the van in front of the hospital. When we got to the hospital I was 5cm dilated and 60% effaced, the babies head was not right on the cervix but was actually a little crooked. I labored very slowly. I had prayed that this labor would be fast, quick, and safe. I was not looking forward to labor...who ever is? But I kept picturing in my mind the tiny newborn prize at the end. For the next 7 hours the contractions stayed 4-5 min apart. God did not answer my prayer for a quick delivery, but he did give me Grace for a easy delivery. Even though the contractions were 4-5 min apart, they were not excruciatingly painful. In fact, I could talk and walk through them. However, I also knew that until I was dying in pain, this baby would NOT be born. But in the meantime, I had rest between them. At 8:00pm, I was only dilated to 7. I think that without my dear husband, I would have given up by this point. (like that is possible) I am so grateful for his love and devotion... Having a midwife in the hospital has the advantage of having her the entire labor process. If fact, I truly believe that I would have labored longer and ended up with a c-section if she had not been with me. Until the babies head was on my cervix straight, she was not going to be born. Because of this, my midwife had me labor in various positions to turn baby around. In the meantime, the girls were taking selfies trying to pass the time QUIETLY! :) Melody was quietly reading. Finally at midnight, she was in the perfect position and the contractions suddenly became horrible. (Which was good). As I hit transition, and had that "I can't do this anymore" moment, the midwife had me roll onto my side. Two contractions and one LARGE push later, our 11th baby was born Earth side at 1:18am Saturday morning. The next three pictures are of the big girls. This was Saturday about 4:30am. Amarisa had been born at 1:18am. They had been up all night with me at Amarisa's birth and had not slept yet. After a 24 hour stay in the hospital, Amarisa and I came home to a houseful of excitement. I am enjoying every tiny part of her! Praise the Lord for all His gifts!
Today was Mercy's seventh birthday!! I will put pictures up from that later on because I don't have any at the moment:) (I never do anyway:) And the pictures I have now I spent hours, literally, getting them from random people.) And, as the header picture says above, there was a baby due in September!!! And it is September. So, as I'm pretty sure everybody knows by now, Amarisa Hope DeLeon was born on Saturday, September 6, 2014. (I would like to put on record a miracle here that the picture loaded super fast. Like, I could actually see the line moving!! Trust me, I will take full advantage of that:)) She was born at 1:18am and weighed 6lbs 11oz and was 19 inches long. So she's pretty tiny. Personally, in that picture I think she looks like Stephen, but that's just my opinion;) I have just received word that I have to go to bed seeing that it's past 10:00 and we have school tomorrow (yes we started school; more on that later) so I'll just add these pictures and talk later. Bye! CarissaFaith:)
And we're back!!! Actually we got back on Saturday. For vacation this year, we went to the Akron Home School Convention. Dad, Josh, and Mom all worked there for Bob Jones. And Autumn subbed in when Mom got too tired since you're up all day long. All those 18 and down got a children's badge with a cool little "Exhibitor" sign on it so we could walk around by ourselves and go to pretty much into any session and not get kicked out. After the convention, which lasted from Friday to Saturday, we headed up to Michigan to our uncle's house. Which would be my mom's brother Scott. We went to their church on Sunday and left after to go to the cabin. The Cabin (technically called Shady Green Pastures, but The Cabin to us) is nice vacation spot for large families or small families or who ever. Its free to Pastors and their families. It has one large cabin with two bedrooms upstairs and another one downstairs with a large living room, two bathrooms, and a kitchen. Over the years, we've been able to squish six kids, seven, eight, even nine kids into these three bedrooms and sometimes the living room. But now that we've gotten older and can't put two kids in a twin bed or a couple in pack-n-plays(or how ever you spell that) And we even have one more on the way, there's just no way that will work. Soooo, (I do realize this has been a lot of words and no pictures, but I don't have any of those at the moment and I promise to put some soon..ish.) So anyway they have these little cabins on the other side of the lake and we got the biggest one to put all five of the girls, minus Charity, into. We spent a week at the Cabin, swimming everyday rain or shine. And we got back on Saturday. If we don't say anything for the next couple weeks its because of the busy things we are doing. We have the Fourth of July on friday, our teens from church are doing a car wash on saturday to raise money for camp, the next week we have the Fireman's Festival. And two days later we leave for camp during which is my birthday! Anyway that's all for right now until I get some pictures gathered from other peoples phones. CarissaFaith :)
First of all, let me say that I planned on writing numerous times during the past three or so months. In fact, I started writing, but never got around to actually posting it. Autumn offered to write, but its been like two months and she still hasn't said anything. Soooo, here I am. This won't be too long because Autumn wants me to do something and I have like three Biology quizzes and an Algebra test to study for. So enjoy;) (Also the internet isn't working so there may or may not be a lot.:)) So mom is officially 25 weeks (I think). And for those who don't already know, the baby is a.....................well, let's just say that the girls waaay outnumber the boys:) As for birthdays, I think we've had at least three in our absence. Melody turned 16, Stephen turned 11, and Joshua turned 19 (sadly, I only have a Stephen pic because 1. I don't have the others pictures, and 2. If I did I'd have to take the time to look through all 10,000 of them and choose which one to put in and that would take a long time and 3. our internet is very slow) (I just now realized that saying the internet is slow is kinda like my go-to-excuse;)) Bubbles because our parents weren't home so we made homemade bubbles and used our hands. Cause we're awesome like that ;) Just kidding.:))) Finally, or semi-finally, balloons. On Saturday we went to a balloon festival thing. It was really cool and we got to watch tons of balloons going up. We also had the Fine Arts/Graduation which was tons of fun and we spent most of the past year preparing for. But that's for another day because I have to go study for like three Biology quizzes and a Algebra test:) CarissaFaith:)
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AuthorGod reached down in love and rescued Cassandra from her sin at the age of 21: changing her life, purpose, and focus forever. Archives
February 2019
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