My sister, couple of friends, and I started a blog called Not I But Christ. Hop on over if you haven't already seen it!

And YES, the children help, but the reality is that breakfast, lunch, and supper continue; washing 10,000 dirty dishes by hand because the dishwasher broke continues; the noise of piano practice for 4 children continues; Soccer practice continues; church demand continues; homeschooling 7 children with 2 babies in tow and one who cries if she's not being held continues...

So....through all this chaos in my life, I have been drowning.

Many times my tears have flown freely.

After each of the deliveries of my children, I went through the typical “baby blues”. I had never experienced what I have struggled with now.

Honestly, I was barely treading water. Some people call it Postpartum depression. There are probably people who disagree with that term, but I will affirm that there is indeed such a thing, even as a Christian...

I had a ton of tears for reasons I could not explain. My feelings struggled with KNOWING the truth that God was in control and KNOWING that God had given me a beautiful family, yet I had this overwhelming sadness that I could not shake.

I know it was physical, probably a hormonal and vitamin issue.

I had a hole. A need... that longed to be filled up.

I had tried filling it.

My husband sent me away on a mini retreat to my moms several weeks ago to find my Anchor, my Rock to turn to when my world feels turned upside down. I was able to spend a couple days doing just that.

I needed that break... My greatest joy is the willingness of my girls to pitch in while I took a break. Carissa negotiated the laundry chore in exchange for no other extra chores. Autumn and Melody ran the meals, clean up and still kept up in school while I was gone.

On one particular day as I was visiting my mom, I had the morning alone. This passage of scripture soothed my troubled and overwhelmed soul that day.

"Wherein God, willing more abundantly to shew unto the heirs of promise the immutability of his counsel, confirmed it by an oath: that by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us: which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which entereth into that within the veil; whither the forerunner is for us entered, even Jesus, made an high priest for ever after the order of Melchisedec.

When I feel like the storms of life are raging and I can no longer hold on, I have to remind myself God holds me firm and secure. I will not waver when I am anchored to the hope only God can provide. In this season of my life, (I have to remind myself that this IS a season) He is teaching me about His sovereign nature.

Trusting in Him answers the question, "Does He have complete control over my life — or better yet — do I want Him to?

The Scripture says God "guaranteed this promise with an oath. The promise and the oath are meant to give us confidence that we will inherit all that He promises us in Jesus. Verse 18 provides that encouragement ---hold fast to the hope set before us.

By faith in Christ, I hold fast to my hope of something greater. God's promise and His oath are the assurance I need to know that my future is firmly planted in His hand.

As verse 19 points out, this hope is an anchor for my soul.

God did not exert himself with promises, and oaths, and the blood of his Son simply to anchor down one end of my security while leaving the other to dangle in the air.

I need to reach out and take hold of Christ, and hold him fast with all my might.

So I am holding on tight!

I know now it is and was physical, but I need the spiritual to have what I call my anchor.

Two anchors in my life have stabilized me in this turbulence...My God and my husband.

This I recall to my mind,
therefore have I hope.
It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed,
because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning:
great is thy faithfulness.

(Lamentations 3:21-23 KJV)

"Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.." Psalm 42:5 

So I'm still in the storm, my world is still incredibly busy and I am still very emotional at times...yet my Anchor is steady and sure in Christ.

God has revealed a lot of selfishness in me lately.

He's taught me that I am full of myself.  It's all about me. It's all about my needs, my sleep, my feelings, my worries, my doubts, my fears, my lonesomeness...

For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.
For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

 (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 KJV)

I am learning that this is a season...call it what you think, but I will call it postpartum depression. This light affliction IS for the moment...compared to the Eternal Weight of Glory!

"God, show me God" is my heart cry. 

David said in Ps 29:11 KJV "The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace."

That's what I need. Peace and strength. I've been looking in all the wrong places... My children, a clean house, my husband, church work...

But truly, I'm learning that by beholding God's glory, I behold God.

Is 48:10-11 KJV:  Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. For mine own sake, even for mine own sake, will I do it: for how should my name be polluted? and I will not give my glory unto another.


Can a christian have postpartum depression and still be a Christian? Yes, because it is physical. 

Get the physical help thorough a trusted Christian doctor to find the hormonal and vitamins lacking while still clinging to Christ...He is where the security and hope (confident expectation) comes and we can anchor there and stay steadfast.

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
- Hebrews 6:1

So, moving on. As a humongously large answer to prayer, we finally got our bunk beds!!!!!!!! God gave us the money to purchase the beds through 2 anonymous givers!

Ever since Amarisa was born, we three oldest girls have been sleeping on mattresses on the tile floor. Which wasn't really that bad, except for the combined facts that a) we live in a basement, b) its cold outside, c) we live in the country. This means that bugs really, really, really like our house. And when you're on the floor, they like your bed.

Also there is (Did I say is? I meant was.) this spider above my desk that must be learning how to fly or something because it keeps dropping from the ceiling. The first time, it fell on my head, but I didn't catch it fast enough to squash him. The second time, I found him and killed him. ;)

Melody said I screamed, but I don't scream. I just said loudly that I was almost 100% positive about a bug that was crawling on me. And then of course we had to take a picture of it to prove to all our friends that it actually happened. We like to take pictures of bugs and show them to everyone.

But enough about bugs! Our bunk beds came on Wednesday, and Dad put them together on Thursday.

After we finished putting the beds together, we wanted to decorate a little without spending any money at all. So my mom found out how to add chevron stripes to our already existing dressers.

After we did all that, we went to Hobby Lobby to see if we could find anything on sale that fit our budget. Not that we actually had a budget or anything:). After searching the entire store for over two hours, we had only found one thing that all four of us agreed on: a gray, chevron, cute little owl with red eyes. We also saw something else there. It was a big sign made of wood that had a heart and the word love stenciled on it.

Autumn really liked it, but I didn't and it cost like, $100!! There was a 50% off discount, but still, that's a lot of money. So, we left without it. We just so happened to have a pallet in the back yard my mom had saved and we used our amazing brains and went to work. ;)

After all that hard work, we found out why those things cost so much money:). Anyway, that's all for now! Oh wait, I found a picture of Amarisa. Last one:)