The sun is shining through our big window this early Saturday morning. I am sitting in the blue recliner enjoying the morning sunshine and warming up! Praise the the Lord for the sun and His goodness! Why when the sun shines do I feel like I can conquer my house, life looks brighter, and the harshness of the world becomes softer?
Today we are cleaning the house thoroughly! Each child has a job and they are scurrying around like little busy beavers! Tomorrow starts a week of revival meetings by Dwight Smith and his family. Life continues to roll on, giving each day a new challenge and new chances to serve God and others.
Today I am 10 weeks pregnant. Is that a surprise to some? Did I plan this pregnancy? No, yet I would LOVE to have another little one. I am convinced that God is the creator of life and this little life is in His hands.
I have tried to keep this a secret, but it is a difficult thing to do if you start showing as soon as I do. I was also not telling because of the the last three losses. Some people also have their personal opinions--they may or may not share--about whether I even should have any more children. But...then again...this could just be my own perception of people. I really wanted to wait until I was at least into the 2nd trimester.
At 7 1/2 weeks I had an ultrasound and was able to see the baby and hear his heartbeat...158. The fragility of life is so evident when you see those scans!
I went to the doctor for my first “official” appointment this last Thursday. We talked about how Zachariah was born early and what could have caused his early birth. We both agreed that since he was alive when he was born, the problem was that I had had pre-term labor and he was born too early. We talked about the possibility of the cause being cervical incompetence. With all my other children, I never had any problems or complications: no surgeries, or any interventions in delivering my children. In short, I have been very blessed with good health.
Cervical incompetence is basically a cervix that is too weak to stay closed during a pregnancy and it is the premature opening of the cervix without labor or contractions. Therefore, resulting in a premature birth and possibly the loss of the baby, because of the shortened gestational length. It is believed that cervical incompetence is the cause of 20 - 25 % of all second trimester losses .
Thursday my doctor did an internal exam and said my cervix was already starting to shorten, in her opinion...she looked really sad and gave me a hug.
She is sending me to Ohio State University (an hour away) for the doctors up there to look at me and give me a transvaginal ultrasound (measures the length of the cervix). They will not see me until 12 weeks...that is the starting point. So...for the next 2 weeks, I am not on bed-rest...but on "chair rest" and “just-don't-do-anything-to-cause-this-baby-to-be-born rest.”
I am waiting for the call from OSU for an appointment. If it is cervical incompetence, there is a treatment...cerclage. This procedure involves having a 5 mm band of permanent suture placed high on the cervix to keep it closed. This is done when there is significant effacement of the lower portion of the cervix. It is generally removed at 37 weeks...then I would be on complete bed rest.
Yes, I am afraid...yet at the same time, I know that my God is in control...this is probably the last baby I could have...so that does scare me. We are looking to Christ and praying for a good outcome!
In the meantime, I will enjoy each new day the Lord gives me and continue to bask in his Son as I sit in the sun in my blue recliner!
"For a day in thy courts is better than a thousand.
I had rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God,
than to dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield:
the Lord will give grace and glory:
no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man that trusteth in thee." Psalm 84:10-12 KJV
Today one year ago I lost a little boy. He was ushered into the arms of Jesus before I got to hold him, cuddle, watch him grow, and teach him about our great Saviour! Yet now he knows more about my Saviour than I do...Heaven is a sweeter place!
Zachariah Benjamin was born at 7:00am on March 19th at 17 weeks… A beautiful, miniature, perfect 8 inch long, little boy. All the fingers, toes, eyes, ears, face, nose, legs, arms, perfectly in place. Two weeks earlier, we had named him Zachariah. His name means “The Lord Remembers” I am so thankful that He does!! He is in the presence of Jesus.”
Through this last year, I have lost two other angel babies...I never got a chance to meet and name those two...yet Jesus has. I also have met many other women who have experienced heartbreak. If I had not lost Zachariah, I never could have really understood the pain and loss losing a little one can cause...I could try...but not really understand. Now I do.
I told a lady recently, “Yes the pain eases, and time does heal; yet the hole of that missing child does not go away.”
The following women are ones that I know personally...
“Nehemiah Benjamin Ray's earthly vessel was delivered at 8:55 March 1, 2011 at 24 weeks gestation. The placenta was not developing correctly.This is the hardest thing that we have ever had to deal with. Nehemiah is with the LORD JESUS. Nehemiah will always be remembered in our heart, he taught me a lot in this time on how to love my wife. Nehemiah means Jehovah Comforts: GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME, ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD! Proverbs 3:5-7”
Kylie Manor Moye
"On the day of Shane's birth March 19, 2010, he was 24 weeks and 3 days gestation, weighing in at 1lb 11oz. 12.5 inches long. On the day he was ushered into heaven, he was 24 weeks 4 days old , weighing in at 7lbs .07oz 19 inches long! Throughout his 6 month stay in the nicu, Shane had 6 major surgeries, too many tests to count, he was fed, not fed, fed, not fed..., one infection after another, fingers poked, heals poked (many times a day ), but through it all he was a fighter and our little hero.”
Mary Lynn Van Gelderen
"On March 23, 2010 little Emma Van Gelderen went home to be with the Lord. Emma passed away at about 25 weeks along. Her earthly body was buried at the Bill Rice Ranch."
Four little children...much prayed for by their parents, yet entering into the presence of Jesus before their parents got to spend much time with their earthly bodies. Yet as a believer, each of these mothers will see their little one again when we reach heaven.
Not only will we have a chance to see them but have the opportunity to spend all of eternity with all of our loved one in the presence of Jesus.
How do I know this?
Because I have accepted Christ's substitute on the cross from my sins. The death that was meant for me because of my sins, Jesus took upon himself, taking my death and all my sins on Him. Three days later, doing what no one has ever done, He resurrected from that earthly grave to conquer sin, death, and hell! As a 21 year old young lady, I repented of my sins and received the Lord Jesus Christ as my own Saviour.
I know that each one of those ladies have trusted Christ as their substitute for their sin as well!
How about you? Will I see you in Heaven?
If any of these children could talk right now, maybe they would quote from the Psalms...
For thou hast possessed my reins:
thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise thee;
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:
marvellous are thy works;
and that my soul knoweth right well.
My substance was not hid from thee,
when I was made in secret,
and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Thine eyes did see my substance,
yet being unperfect;
and in thy book all my members were written,
which in continuance were fashioned,
when as yet there was none of them. KJV
God reached down in love and rescued Cassandra from her sin at the age of 21: changing her life, purpose, and focus forever.